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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Forgiving the "Unforgivable"
The Work of Compassion in Resolving Personal and World Conflict
Now in Paperback: Valley Author's Acclaimed New Book:
Finding Forgiveness: A 7-Step Program to Letting go of Anger and Bitterness
"Books for a Better Life" Award Finalist
"It is my sincere hope and prayer that the fundamental theme of this book, the importance of forgiveness, may be seen as effective not only in individuals' private lives, but equally in the arena of public and even international relations."
- His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Paradise Valley, AZ, January 11, 2010 - Can the 300 passengers and crew of Northwest Flight 253 forgive Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab for allegedly trying to blow up their plane over Detroit? Should they? Is it possible to forgive something as horrific as the terrorist attacks of 9/11? What about the Holocaust? The abuse or killing of a family member?
According to Dr. Eileen Borris-Dunchunstang's book Finding Forgiveness: A 7-Step Program for Letting go of Anger and Bitterness (Books for a Better Life Award finalist), the answer is 'yes.'
"Forgiveness is not an easy process but those who embark on this journey reap great rewards," says Dr. Borris-Dunchunstang. McGraw-Hill has just released her acclaimed and very timely book in paperback.
As Director of Training for the Institute for Multi-Track Diplomacy, and a highly respected clinical/political psychologist in the field of international conflict resolution, Dr. Borris-Dunchunstang has seen more than her fair share of the seemingly endless cycle of pain, hatred and retribution that fuels the world's long-standing conflicts. That same pattern of violence and the desire for revenge occur every day in our own communities and homes. But through her seven-step program, Dr. Borris-Dunchunstang demonstrates how anybody can let go of anger and bitterness and embrace the positive forces of forgiveness.
What is Forgiveness?
Borris-Dunchunstang defines forgiveness as "an inner emotional release that only involves oneself." This is why one can experience forgiveness without any interaction with the offending party. Forgiveness is about accepting responsibility for our own emotional reactions to the pain we've suffered.
"When we choose not to forgive, we become prisoners of the past and devoured by the past," says Borris-Dunchunstang. "By refusing to repair broken relationships, we give away control. In this sense, forgiveness is a shrewd and practical strategy for a person - and even for nations - to pursue."
Why Should We Forgive?
So why do we need to forgive? First of all, Borris-Dunchunstang emphasizes, it's okay not to want to forgive; it's natural to want revenge; and it's perfectly normal to feel angry. But, she adds that, on a very practical level, forgiveness is about lessening one's own emotional burdens and healing the pain of the heart. We forgive so that hatred and revenge can't rule our hearts. Otherwise we become just like the person or people who have harmed us, thus continuing the spiral of hatred by becoming consumed by the need for revenge. Forgiveness frees the forgiver.
How Do We Forgive?
How can we break the patterns of pain, hatred and revenge, and begin to heal the wounds inflicted by others?
"In order to repair relationships, we have to change our minds about what we see," says Dr. Borris-Dunchunstang. "We do this by realizing that the world we see is the witness of our state of mind, the outside picture of an inward condition. Therefore, seek not to change the world, but choose to change your mind about the world."
This, Dr. Borris-Dunchunstang argues, can only be done if we first come to an understanding of the psychological landscape that shaped the offender's thinking.
Drawing on poignant, personal accounts gleaned from her many years as a private therapist and a global conflict mediator, Borris-Dunchunstang shows how everyday people, as well as world powers and political factions, can create peace by helping to heal the cycles of anger, hatred, and fear that fuel bitter conflicts, not only on the world stage but in our own homes. In doing so, she introduces a radical new way of thinking - one that requires decisive change in our perception, and illustrates how we can attain a better understanding of forgiveness. Throughout the book, she abolishes common misperceptions about the meaning of forgiveness:
- Forgiveness is not pardoning; it does not supercede punishment for wrong acts;
- Neither is it condoning;
- Nor is it reconciliation. We can forgive someone without reconciling with them;
- We do not have to accept someone else's behavior in order to forgive.
Seven Steps to Forgiveness:
1: Getting Started: Be clear about what forgiveness is. Explore your thoughts about revenge and what the need for revenge inside of you is saying. Think about how revenge can hurt you and what you need to do to bring about a little willingness to entertain the thought of forgiveness.
2: Telling the Story: Tell your story to those who will be supportive and whom you can trust. Talk about your emotional experiences.
3: Working with Anger: Accept your angry emotions, your origins of pain, the depth of your rage. Take responsibility for your own behavior. Ask yourself if you are subtly nurturing your pain. Listen to your anger for its deeper message. Look inward and make necessary changes.
4: Working with Guilt: Face your guilt and recognize that holding on to it is a choice. Be willing to change your interpretation of reality.
5: Reframing the Situation: Shift focus from yourself to the other person who needs forgiveness. Walk in someone else's shoes. Be willing to see the situation differently.
6: Absorbing Pain: Accept your pain, mourn your losses, give meaning to your pain and develop spiritual currency.
7: Gaining Inner Peace: View the situation differently through spiritual light. Be open to grace. Reflect on what you have learned and on your psychological and spiritual growth.
Any reader honestly committed to creating peace and to learning how to forgive will recognize that true peacemakers are those who are not afraid to look within to change the way they think and heal the pain of their heart.
The crises that humanity faces today call for radical change in the way we view and act upon the wrongs we and our ancestors have suffered. Forgiveness truly is a better way. In choosing forgiveness we open our hearts and our minds to the truth of who we are. In her insightful book, Dr. Borris-Dunchunstang convinces us that we must make forgiveness our legacy to our children, grandchildren and all future generations.
More information can be found at: www.dreileenborris.com, or at her blog: http://findingforgiveness.blogspot.com. She's also available Twitter at: http://twitter.com/erborris; or on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/eileen.borris.
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Providing Individual Counseling & Therapy, Marriage Counseling and Counseling in Forgiveness
Serving Scottsdale, Paradise Valley, Phoenix, Tempe and Mesa Arizona
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